I am both literally and figuratively in a weird place. So I’m going to talk about it in the hopes of maybe resolving some of the weird feelings, or just because I need a rant. I don’t know.
I am literally in a weird place because my bedroom is a living room right now, blocked off by a bed sheet. I keep forgetting to do an experiment testing how see-through this sheet is when my light is on and the rest of the house is dark, so it may be hung on the wall for naught. Either way, it’s a weird position. I have weird hours because I’m still working part-time at a coffee job, meaning a lot of mornings I wake up to walk to work around 4:30 or 5 (realistically, I hit snooze til 5). This means I go to bed around the same time that my elderly neighbor counterparts are hitting the hay, but this schedule is less-than-conducive with my night owl roommates, who (understandably) like to end their night in some Netflix-watching relaxation which takes place directly on the other side of my door/curtain. It turns out the curtain isn’t a great sound barrier. Who knew.
Actually though, shout out to my roommates because I’m sure they’d appreciate more space instead of a makeshift bedroom, but the idea was it would be a very temporary situation. That brings me to the figurative weird place I’m in. I expected this situation to last no longer than three months, because I’m unrealistic and naive. I actually thought that by now, I’d be living somewhere in New York working in an entry level editorial position or internship at Random House or HarperCollins. Ha.
Not that I’m not grateful for the opportunities I’ve had since graduation. They were just nothing like the opportunities I expected I would have. I’m juggling a lot of these random opportunities so as not to have any gaps on my resume, and I’m applying for more and more jobs that just barely fit with what I want to eventually do. I desperately want to move out of Iowa – or at the very least Iowa City – but I’ve noticed this pretty annoying theme with out-of-state jobs. It’s this annoying cycle where I’m like “hey hire me, anyone out of state,” and they say “okay, but you don’t live here,” and then I quickly reassure them “but I WANT to!” and they say “well yeah, who doesn’t, but we don’t want you to move just for a job…” and then I’m very confused and I ask “wait, the only feasible way that I could even move would be for a job, so…?” and there’s no conclusive answer, and then I’m told they’ve moved forward with other candidates.
It’s just weird. How many times can I use the word ‘weird’ in a blog post? But really, every single day I feel like I have a different outlook on life. One day I’ll wake up optimistic, apply for ten jobs, and maybe go so far as to look at the cost of living in the places that I applied that day. Some days, I’m completely in a slump, and at the end of those days I’ll find myself bleary-eyed, feeling like I accomplished nothing. Other days, I forget that I’m even trying to leave, and I’ll be happy with friends here and we’ll laugh with each other and I’ll go about everything as if that’s all I want to be doing right now. Those days scare me the most, because I’m weirdly complacent when I should be anything but. At the same time, though, I know when I eventually get a job I’ll probably look back at this time and wish I had more days like that, where I was content and relaxed instead of strung out and anxious.
In summation, everything is weird. I’ve kind of accepted that part at least. I sometimes dread catching up with people and having to repeat over and over “yeah, still looking, but I’m not being totally useless, here are the random internships and assistant things I’m doing in the meantime (that I don’t necessarily want to be doing)…!” This resolved nothing for me, but that’s okay. Maybe later in life, when I finally have a job somewhere doing something, I will re-read this and laugh while drinking a nice glass of wine on a blue couch I’ll own in an apartment that definitely has exposed brick somewhere…? Tentative optimism will have to work for now. ◊